i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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