Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
