Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
