I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
