Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
