If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
