last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
