My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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