I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
