the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
