There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
