I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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