Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
