Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat