just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
