I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
