508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
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I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
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I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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