There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
