I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
