Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
