I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
