Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
