drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
