so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
