I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
