3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
