Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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