there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
