You're completely useless in the revolution.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
There r osticjed everywhere
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
