It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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