but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
