why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
