K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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