When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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