Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
