Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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