My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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