its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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