he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
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