So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
high people should be assigned attendants
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Randomize
