On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize