I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
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Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
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Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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