She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
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Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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