At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
