What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
