My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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