Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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