You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
