you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
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the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
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I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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