My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
