Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
