How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
