I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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