he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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