Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
