I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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