she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
