It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
