That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
